Entries categorized as ‘Neither Here nor There’
As is customary these days, I got out of bed at 4am this morning and went directly to the mailbox. I am waiting for a letter from The Guinness Book of World Records that confirms I have had the longest pregnancy on record. According to my calculations, it’s been at least 87 months and 22 days with no end in sight. And I am not the only one around here paying the price; my closet has been woefully neglected in favor of the small cubby where I keep my shrinking arsenal of clothing. This is my own fault. I simply could not wrap my mind around buying a whole new category of clothing that either A) makes me look like one big giant psychedelic curtain or B) costs more than an inevitable boob job.
My husband dutifully tries to console me, saying that nothing about me looks that different at all (at which point I swing sideways and show him the silhouette of my enormous belly, just for the sheer thrill of seeing his eyes pop out of his head). I’ve noticed, though, that his attempts at comfort have been growing increasingly half-hearted. The last month of pregnancy doesn’t provide much cover in the way of denial.
The stock market is also doing little for the morale of Bewildered Housewife’s household. It’s been a solid two weeks of forehead-smacking news each morning, our mouths agape in disbelief. I am considering a ban on financial news until further notice. I’m thinking pancakes would be a suitable alternative.
But I will have to wait a few hours for those pancakes because, oh, that’s right, my husband still manages to enjoy that luxury I once knew as “sleep”. If I were a lesser woman, I would go flush the toilet right now. Lucky for him, I have more self-control than that. For now.
In other news, my bloggery pals over at buttercuppunch hosted a live blog during last night’s presidential debate, and I must admit that it was brilliant fun. Some of the blow-by-blow highlights include a truly cranky Tom Brokaw, my new favorite nickname for Sarah Palin (”Caribou Barbie”) and John McCain switching to Geico. I’d suggest high-tailing it over there for the next and final debate.
The local latest has the baby flipped around again to an upright position. If she doesn’t tuck and roll REAL SOON, little girl is going to be grounded as soon as she emerges. Turn, baby, turn.
Ah. 5:30 am. Time for peanut butter.
Categories: Housewifery · Neither Here nor There
Tagged: barbie, blog, boob job, clothing, Geico, husband, maternity, pancakes, pregnancy, pregnant, presidential debate, sarah palin, shopping, stock market, tom brokaw, world records
WestwardBound has invited me, kicking and screaming, for a brief sojourn into the world of Meme. I had to google the term to figure out just what a meme is, and as far as I can tell it is a bunch of questions or confessions focusing exclusively on the behavior, thoughts or preferences of – you guessed it – me and me.
I have seen a few of these before, and find them to be alternately a) a little boring and b) strangely fascinating. I believe that there is really only so much that a person truly wants to know about another, but the tidbits that arise about one’s day-to-day provide the reader an almost voyeuristic glee; either that, or an ashamed acknowledgement of like neuroses. So, being part sociologist, here are 6 unspectacular quirks to keep you unamazed for the next two minutes, at least.
The rules are to link the person who sent it to you, mention these rules in your blog, then (the fun part) tell us about 6 random, unspectacular quirks that you possess. Then tag 6 others to do the same.
1). I love liverwurst (sorry about those visible chunks of fat, WestwardBound). It’s definitely an acquired taste and not for the squeamish. A brief glance over the ingredients list is all most people need to steer clear of it for a lifetime – and granted, this works on me too, sometimes. If I find myself longing for liverwurst more than once every three months, the words “pig snouts” are enough to stave off my craving for another thirty to sixty days. However, in times of emergency such as these, when my pregnant belly is beginning to swell to massive proportions and I need a hit of iron, protein and fat NOW, dammit, I eat it once per month. An aside: since becoming pregnant, I’ve switched to Braunschweiger. I have a whole other set of feet and noses growing inside of me; I don’t need to be ingesting them, too.
2) Before I sit down with my daily cup of coffee in the morning, I will have picked up the house, opened the blinds, done the dishes, made the bed, watered and fed the animals (including my husband), picked a lemon, swept the halls and started the laundry. It may be neurotic, but I simply cannot start a day without things in order. Riveting, isn’t it.
3) The secret to my pasta sauce is this: brown the meat and remove to a bowl. Sautee all the vegetables in the same pan, add the crushed tomatoes and then puree the crap out of it. Return meat and puree to the pot, add spices (including a dash of cinammon) and simmer for hours. Oh dear, now I’ve gone sharing something spectacular…
4) Sometimes I stand with my back to the mirror, look over my shoulder, and try to tell if I look pregnant from behind.
5) I don’t enjoy clothes shopping very much.
6) I still want to be an astronaut.
Who have I tagged?
meganbhulsey
The Mad Housewife
Baby Chaos
The Not
Mildred Pierce
Categories: Neither Here nor There
Tagged: astronaut, cleaning, clothes, husband, liverwurst, meme, pasta sauce, pregnant, sociology
It was bound to happen. All good things change.
When you visit this blog from now on, you should be automatically redirected to my new home:
www.BewilderedHousewife.com
Please update your feed subscriptions, just to keep it easy.
I still love you, WordPress. It isn’t you; it’s me.
Categories: Neither Here nor There
Tagged: domain, easy, housewife, subscription, update, wordpress
I had just lifted my fingers over the keyboard to complain about something in-lawish, when my husband called from across the house, “I love you babe,” for no apparent reason at all.
See, this is why I keep him around. And for the rest of the day I can no longer complain about anything in good conscience.
Instead, I’m giving you an assignment for the evening, which is to click on my mostest favoritest blogs in my Blogroll… to the right… scroll down just a wee bit… there you go. I highly recommend Buttercuppunch and The Not if you like sassy forays into girlfriend things and (my favorite) wedding planning, Passive Aggressive Notes if you want your funnybone tickled, and Married Kitty if you’d like… um… something else tickled.
Go ahead, don’t be shy.
Categories: Neither Here nor There
Tagged: blog, Blogroll, comedy, friends, funny, girlfriend, good, husband, love, planning, wedding
If you could be summarized by a search engine term, what would it be?
Those of you familiar with the WordPress Dashboard know about the statistics it keeps on our blog views, page sources, comments and external links. My absolute favorite feature of the Dashboard is the little column where it gives up the phrases people have searched that have brought them to my little bewildered blog.
It’s almost like voyeurism, and I almost feel guilty. But that feeling quickly fades as I find myself alternately delighted, puzzled and put-off completely by the things people look for on the internet.
Here, for your reading pleasure, is a small sampling:
Haley’s Comet. This is one of my favorites to see. You’re led to this post, and I wonder if you’re a student with a paper to write or an amateur astronomer. Railroad stories also fit into this category, which delighted me.
Poop. Four people in one day searched poop and found me. Golly, it doesn’t get much better than that!
F*ck my mother in law. Woah. I can picture this person hunched over their keyboard, hateful beads of sweat dripping from their brow, finally having had enough of the evil wench. And then it occurs to me – what if this person actually wants to f*ck their mother in law? I’m not even going to touch that one.
Search of a house wife who is not satisfied. Get cozy; I have thoughts. A) Who prefaces their internet searches with “search of”? B) It’s 8 o’clock in the morning, mister. Isn’t it a bit early for that? C) I do not appreciate the stereotype of the dissatisfied housewife. Really, do you think we’re all just sitting here, splayed naked on the couch, just waiting for your marginally endowed self to ravage us before the husband gets home? Here’s a newsflash, buddy: it’s incredibly satisfying to be able to pursue my interests and nurture my homelife while being completely provided for. If you’re seeking a dissatisfied woman, try looking in your kitchen, where your girlfriend is dropping cigarette ashes into your eggs while you surf the net for porn. Get off of my page.
Housewife with body rings. This guy spent 1.3 seconds here before hitting the Back button.
I know there are other bloggers who check in over here… who I love and adore… and I would be tickled to hear some of the terms that have popped up on YOUR pages…
Categories: Neither Here nor There
Tagged: body piercings, cigarette, comet, dashboard, eggs, housewife, internet, kitchen, mother in law, poop, search, statistics, stereotype, wife
YEAH
GIANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
Categories: Neither Here nor There
Tagged: giants, superbowl
