As is customary among most American adults, I am often asked what I do for a living. Whereas I used to dazzle my audience with my resume from the past ten years, I now give a different answer. Depending on my syllabic mood, I say that I am either a homemaker or a housewife. In a few short months from now, I’ll have my job title distilled down to one succinct word: MOM.
And then I wait for the inevitable reaction: First, eyebrows raise in surprise. Close on those heels comes the usual, slightly passive-aggressive platitude, “Well, THAT must be nice.” I tell them that no, sitting around eating bon-bons all day must be nice. What I do actually keeps me busy and on my toes.
“So, what DO you do all day?” they ask. What, you mean besides being secretary, accountant, nurse, therapist, housekeeper, laundress, nutritionist, personal shopper, event planner, decorator, executive chef, and, oh yeah, pregnant? Why, I just sit around eating bon-bons all day.
What is odd is that it never occurs to me to ask what other professionals do all day long. It’s a question that makes its way specifically toward housewives and other similar women. Its asking is intended to marginilize us, as if no task we carry out could possibly be as important or necessary as the things that other working people do. For reasons I have yet to understand, divulging this information makes us a fair target for others’ judgements, as if as stay-home women we become property, kept or child-like, and need to justify our actions and motives even to strangers.
Important to note is that not everyone holds judgment or demands explanation. I do encounter people - granted, not often - who don’t bat an eyelash, but rather greet my response with a satisfied nod. It’s no strange coincidence that these are all people who have set their own lives up in such a way as to be doing the things that they love. Some of it might pass as “official business”, but all of it qualifies as passion. I have come to imagine that the people who have conciously created their realities don’t find the concept offensive. It takes a fulfilled person to understand fulfillment. This is because a satisfied person has had to first embrace the possibility of an authentic existence in order to create it. A happy person has the capacity to be happy for others. On the contrary, a dissatisfied person has a compromised ability to imagine satisaction, let alone to be pleased with someone else’s version of it. To them, satisfaction is always somehow partnered with guilt (guilt for seeking satisfaction, guilt for not seeking it), and it’s a happy housewife’s funny fate to often be an object of that projection. In reality, my being a housewife (and soon to be stay at home mom) is not a problem – it’s actually YOUR problem.
Is this all to say that I have no desire or drive to do or be anything else? Of course not. Am I able to hold a provocative, informed conversation on a myriad of current, cultural and/or academic topics? Sure am. Will I continue my education once the babies are a few years old? You bet I will. Will I fufill my other dreams of teaching college, writing books, and contributing positively to my larger environment? There is not a doubt in my mind.
But will I allow my desires for the future to undermine the importance or joy of the commitment I have made to my home and family in the present time? Absofreakinglutely not. And I won’t let you do that, either.
In short, I don’t cluck my tongue at you for chopping your hair off and schlepping for a boss so that you can share bitter cocktails at 5pm and order a pizza for your child after daycare. You’ve made your choice.
This one’s mine.
7 responses so far ↓
Kerri // June 13, 2008 at 2:37 am
Okay, so you are saying that as of now you have NO KIDS, but you really think you do as much work as those stay at home parents WITH kids?? Or even better, those parents that have kids AND work?? I will tell you one thing right now, you won’t know what hit you when you have that baby! It is easy to keep a house clean with just a couple adults living there, but add kids and it gets much more difficult.
Now, being a stay at home MOTHER is difficult. I know, I have done it. I have also been a working mother, as well as a student and mother. To dare imply that just because my child is in daycare while I support my family must mean he lives off fast food is ridiculous. Especially coming from someone who HAS NO CHILDREN!!!
I am sure you clean your house everyday, I am sure it is quite clean, and that you make dinners and whatnot, but I do believe that is easy when you have no one else to care for. Moms do that all the time- but they are taking care of other lives while they do it. THAT is work!
And working mothers? Well they have to do all that plus they have a full time job. Talk to me again in 3 years when you’ve actually learned something about being a housewife AND raising kids. Then I might believe that you keep busy all day.
bewilderedhousewife // June 13, 2008 at 2:40 am
Thank you, Kerri, for illustrating my point exactly:
Being a housewife really seems to OFFEND people, giving them an object at which to direct all the guilt and frustration of their own lives. Well done.
Any other emotional responses that miss the mark completely, anyone?
westwardbound // June 13, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Well, I will tell you that toddlers often prefer pizza to fancier meals on some days. As do we all. Heck, I order a nice pie on some of the days I am home with my son ;P
I think a lot of the emotional responses that swirl around housewifery/SAHMs from working-out-of-the-home moms stems from a combo of classist/feminist stimas. So many moms who work out of the home do so out of necessity, so your ability to choose not to is envied, and it’s hard to disassociate envy and guilt from a mother’s heart. I am in the fortunate position of being able to work part time because I choose to do so–I need the adult stimulation and the reason to shower in the morning…plus the 401K contributions are important to me. But whatever floats your boat is what you should do.
I think it gets trickier when you’re “just” a “housewife” without children to attend to. That’s more of a hair-raising class issue for some reason. It SEEMS more selfish somehow to a lot of people. But I know a person can fill her days easily with running a tight ship in the home and/or tending to her own life too. And if you can afford it as a couple, sweet. You’re clearly interested in “career” pursuits as well, which makes it easier for outraged feminists to leave your choice alone.
In the end, the Mommy Wars are doing nothing more than tearing the difficulties ALL mothers face today into shreads, and dilouting our collective voice. Keeping your sanity and a clean home simply IS harder with children involved. And taking care of both while being responsible for brining home a needed income adds tremendously to the stress and guilt that come naturally with motherhood. Pumping in the office vs. preparing bottles is more stressful. But what do these shades of difficulty matter? It’s all exhausting and we make no forward strides picking on one another.
danielle // June 13, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I think you may have missed Kerri’s point as well. I don’t think she’s offended at the fact that you stay home, she’s offended at the judgement your article is passing on people that aren’t doing what you are doing (throwing fast food at your kids so you can go out for drinks, as an example). I worked until I was 6 months pregnant with my first child, then I was a housewife, and then a stay at home mom. Then a working mom for awhile, and now a stay home mom with two children. I know where you are coming from, yes people do often look down on me for not “doing” anything with my life. Being a stay at home wife or mother is not easy, but neither is being a working wife or mother. Judge not lest ye be judged.
bewilderedhousewife // June 13, 2008 at 4:55 pm
@ WestwardBound: we ordered a pizza last night, actually
@ Danielle – to be clear, my last sentence was an observation of people that I personally know. Those are things that THESE particular people do on most every evening.
If someone relates to it and takes it personally for themselves, that’s up to them.
@ The other responses that do not appear here:
It is my policy to not approve comments that attack aggressively or revert to name-calling. (Twit was my favorite). Those automatically get the Delete Treatment.
That’s the beauty of this being my blog.
pookie // June 13, 2008 at 5:16 pm
I don’t hear any judgement coming from Bewildered. I do hear judgement coming from some of you who obviously are insecure about your place in life. What was so insulting about the blog? I see alot of women where I live who work full time, have grannies taking care of the kids full time while the husband is out working full time making plenty of money. They pass judgement on the stay at home mom’s, so why can’t Bewildered express a view without it completely affecting YOUR self-esteem. Not all women are in the position to stay at home, but if you are, then there is nothing wrong with that role, in fact I would be proud of that role. In other words, GET A GRIP KERRI, let go of the anger.
bewilderedhousewife // June 13, 2008 at 11:02 pm
P.S. Comments are closed. There are about 20 others that were not approved for posting because they are either extremely derogatory or are arguing on points that have nothing at all to do with the post. Mostly, they are heading in the direction of polarizing stay-at-home-moms against working moms against childless working women against childless stay-at-home women. When did this become a debate of worth between mothers and just “mere” women?
If you submitted a comment and don’t see it here:
Those who insist on engaging in an irate argument that rails against any other woman are not reading closely enough. In this case, I suggest either reading the post again, or getting off of my page. Others are utilizing this as a means to create a drama that doesn’t exist. In this case, I suggest therapy. In either case, you’re free to create your own blog, where you’ll be permitted to infer wildly and attack other women freely. But it ain’t happening here, sister.
The post is about working professionals and their demands that housewives justify their existence to the world. Period. Much of the commentary has done a terrific job of validating this viewpoint. I rest my case.
Like gas stations in rural Texas after 10 pm, comments are closed.